THE CLEANSE, Day 1 (of 3): Fixin' up to swallow me whole

So this is what masochism feels like.  I've literally been googling pictures of "melted cheese pizza", "gourmet ice cream sandwich" and "juicy cheeseburger".  Not because I'm hungry, but because I am getting some kind of sick kick out of just looking at these things.  We all knew I was a little bit of a weirdo.

Well today was a success, not so much because I didn't eat, but because I didn't get fired.  I'd say the worst side effect of this cleanse is irritability.  One of our vendors brought us Fatburger for lunch and another brought us gourmet chocolate chip cookies for afternoon snack.  Thinking about it now gets me riled up, and I'm not even hungry.  I wasn't really then either, but just the fact that I like those things and had to sit idle while my team took juicy bites out of of greasy beef and chocolatey morsels made my head spin.

If anything, I've been super pensive lately.  Not having food to think about has made me focus on other things, like what the hell I'm doing with my life and if I'll ever have enough money to like, not think about money.  Or to live in NYC again.  Speaking of the city, holy CRAP I missed it today.  Those hazy summer nights in heels and jumpers, owning the world as we drunkenly pranced from bar to pub.  I am so glad that the place to go to relive my youth is somewhere I will always enjoy, and not some faraway metaphorical playground I'll never go back to, like Nebraska or something.

I also went into Whole Foods today to get avocados and special tea (I found an "Aztec chili" variety with an illustration of chili peppers and some squares of dark chocolate on the box.  Expecting it to taste like Lindt's Chili Dark Chocolate bar, I'm sure I'll be sorely disappointed.)  The avocados are for AFTER the cleanse, before you get all "ooohh...what are those for!?" True, I am still fantasizing about pizza whose cheese stretches two feet off the plate, but I'm pretty sure that by Saturday, a giant salad of avocado slices, toasted veggie burger and maaaaybe some hummus will send me into fits of hysteria from the sensory overload.

But the hardest thing so far has been the excitement I feel about the prospect of dinner, and the immediate sinking feeling that comes when I realize there will be no dinner.  I can see how hunger could craze a person.  Like just now, I looked at the clock and went holy shit, how did I just spend 4 hours doing nothing? I'm going to be so tired tomorrow morning and then was quickly relieved by thinking about the delicious breakfast I would make for myself.  Maybe some whole grain toast with mango butter jelly and some delicious--AAHHHHHHNG try again.  Kale juice.

Guess I'll just have to keep myself busy drooling over pictures of what I am going to eat when this hellish endeavor is over.  Only I would actively seek out these images on a fast.  (Though I will be sure to make my nachoes healthy, with low fat chips and light cheese).  What is wrong with me.

Until tomorrow...